quaint little rutted bucket

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

The wisdom of John Mayer

I wish there was an over-the-counter test
For loneliness...
For loneliness like this

--some crazy line I find profound from Mayer's "Something's Missing"

I find much meaning in John Mayer's old song, "Something's Missing", from that album 'Heavier Things', maybe because it is something that reminds me of the situation I find myself in.

I'm a slightly neurotic, loneliness-denying bastard who's losing respect for myself. I feel so bad about it, I can't even admit to the fact that I'm growing increasingly enamored about a certain person, yet trying all I can to stay rational while thoughts of her run through my head. It's mad, it's crazy, and its happening to me.

How come everything I think I need
Always comes with batteries?
Why, what do you think it means?

--another crazy line I find much meaning in

I want to do something, yet the fear of rejection and failure is there. I think of it too much that I lose track of what is practical and real. And the best thing about it all, is that I don't even have a clue as to what to do. I can easily tell people what to do when they seek my advice, yet when it comes to fixing my own life, I fall miserably short of the things I would've expected from myself.

Shit. I feel like an abject failure.

I feel so gawd-awful bad today, that I sometimes wish I were just a rock that feels no emotions, no sadness, no longing at all. But the reality is that, I'm here, and starting to have feelings for somebody, yet doing all I can to make sense of it and go through it in a rational manner.

Truth is, I feel that rationalizing, or rather, looking for logic in all this is turning out to be a pointless affair. I need not look far; my experience with [bleep] taught me that.

I could just let go and let myself be run by my emotions. But that would be madness.

Darn, I need help. :`(


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