quaint little rutted bucket

Monday, March 26, 2007

tired. confused. numb.

As I write this, I'm still a long ways off from finishing all my outstanding requirements for this term. Ballot counting was done last Friday, and I'm just glad that the bulk of my work as a commish is over. For now.

[lets out a tired sigh]

I don't know what came over me when I tried to juggle practicum, COMELEC, thesis, museum, a one-man editing stint with the college newsletter and my studies all at the same time. As I've come to realize, I don't have superhuman powers. I was essentially killing myself with everything I've attempted to do this term, and it really wasn't wise, as I ended up neglecting virtually everything. It was so silly and foolish of me.

I don't like working and finishing things half-baked. For me, leaving things and submitting less than superior things is usually a "last resort" act, done out of desperation. My working style is more cramming than planning, buy my brilliance juices only flow when pressure abounds. But this term... haaay. I compromised on everything. My practicum was less than what I had thought it would be, I think my contribution to my group's thesis was bleh, I wasn't really around when the logistical stuff for comelec was being worked on, my museum residency hours were fewer, I'm neglecting both my last pair of English majors courses, and worse of all, I've been missing out on my friends. Its depressing. :(

Sure, i can still churn out respectable things, but gee do they take time. I don't really feel ashamed anymore of submitting things late , if only to make sure they are up to my standards. Syet, pakapalan na ng mukha 'to.

For some, grades are enough of an affirmation to make a student high. But not me. I'm grown past that way too long ago. Grades, for me, are just numbers that can never definitively tell everything about a person. It's just way too overrated, so I tend to not really care about it. It sounds pompous, yes, but meh. Don't care.

I haven't been doing any of the usual philanthropic things too, beyond the GK thing we had from practicum. I wasn't serving as FORMDEV faci, nor was I serving at my (former) parish. [another sigh.] Come to think of it, I'm not doing the things that help keep me sane and have a sense of respect for myself.

This isn't me.

You know its worse when you don't really have an idea as to what you're feeling already. I feel numb. I'm afraid that I have lost touch of what it feels like to be in love, to be genuinely happy, to be sad, to be angry. I feel sapped of whatever it is that makes me human. I feel too tired to even try to recall how those things feel like.

I still have the basics covered, especially when dealing with other people, but beyond that, there's something missing. Haaay. I don't know. Maybe I'm just pushing myself too hard.

These days, I joke around that I'm in a semi-defective state. But there's a lot of truth in that statement. I feel incomplete, empty and unfulfilled. This presents me yet another conundrum: How can I even try to care for someone special, let alone let her know that, when I'm such in a freaking helpless state?

I have to pull myself together. I know i'm nearly running on empty, but its not over yet. Its not yet too late. I can still do something.



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