quaint little rutted bucket

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Wisdom without reason. And then some.

[No. 'Bathroom Monologues' is not launching today, as I had promised. Sorry. :) I felt I needed to put into writing a few things that have occured during the last couple of days.]

A lot of things have changed since I last posted--all in a span of one week, much of what I thought to be the status quo had pretty much changed; for the better or worse, that I do not know. There's a lot of uncertainty looming over the horizon, and this was something that I was, in all honestly, not prepared for.

I really do not care anymore about what others might think of the entire thing. A lot of things are going on through my mind right now, and as things currently stand right now, I am feeling a whole rush of emotions: confusion, elation, even frustration.

One part of myself is relieved to have gotten that out of my system, although silly old me has forgotten, either subconsciously or deliberately to leave out thinking about the consequences. Perhaps it may be that subconsciously, I wanted them to know. A single statement sums the entire thing quite nicely: "Ralph, ano na naman ba itong pinasok mo?"

Really. Its hard not to think that way. On one hand, you feel nice and cool about the entire thing, but the logical/rational side of you starts throwing a lot of questions your way--questions that are fundamentally confusing, questions that should have been answered a long time ago, which, for reasons I am not exactly sure, I did not.

The uncertainty that surrounds this whole thing is killing me. This is the first time I've been entangled in this kind of situation, and all I know is that I should exercise care and prudence over whatever I decide to do. Beyond that, I don't know much else, aside from the reality that the burden of doing something concrete is now upon me.

At this point, doubts still exist. That was the leading reason I was reluctant to even let my guy friends know. They aren't really doubts over what I am feeling but over her. (Duh. When you've already written something that has a strong rhetoric of certainty, its pointless to argue over this one. :) There is a side of me that wants to pursue this entire thing and see to its end, without much thought over how it will turn out. The possibility of failure doesn't scare me at all anymore. It's like, "who cares about making yourself feel vulnerable? isn't this the whole point of things like these?" And this side is what people around me are rooting for. Sigh.


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