quaint little rutted bucket

Monday, April 19, 2004

untitled post (heh. wala na akong maisip na title.)

Double Sigh. I don't know whether to feel happy or not, but I'm at loss for feelings right now.

If my grades are any measure of how happy I'm feeling right now, I'll sure be happy-as-in-happy-to-the-nth-degree. Tis the first time I've experienced a relatively good showing in the three terms I've stayed in La Salle, bolstered by my recent efforts to improve my academic performance and to get things into perspective with my counselor. If that's not enough, I've gotten back to blogging and reading; I've got a much better handle on things now than a term ago. Proof in itself that changes for the good are actually occuring to me. I also have a clearer picture now on what I exactly want to do with my life. Not that I've made the final decision, but there's still time to think through things.

The thing is, if I'm going to be completely honest here, I'm in denial. I am in denial that again, I chose to harbor feelings of affection for somebody that is a complete stranger to me. Sigh. And now that she's going overseas and her return at best, indefinite, I couldn't even be gloomier. I'm thinking a lot of things through right now. "If I indeed tried to get to know her, will she accept me?" "Is she *the* one?" "Is she that unique and worthwhile to be actually worth admiring and pursuing?" "Yes, I know I have to be careful with the things I feel, but is this warranted at all by a person such as her?" Ack. Reality bites. Daydreaming only gets you so far; it still is, after all, a fantasy.

This was the first, and I'm afraid, the last chance I'll ever have to take a good look at her. And strangely, I still find her attractive, both in character and in physique, even with the many jokes KC was cracking all the time we were trying to get hold of their clabart course cards.

I leave things to fate. Maybe, just maybe, the world will get real smaller in the future, and we'll meet at another place and time. Maybe, destiny will have a hand here. I just don't know, and maybe, I couldn't care less. After all, I'm getting pretty used to having feelings that are more akin to a roller-coaster ride than to a relatively flat line in an electrocardiograph. I've got a life ahead of me, and truth be told, nothing's stopping me.

But for now, I'd have to endure this whole thing. Painful as it may be, I'm partly to blame for the quagmire I've gotten myself into.

Take care guys. Enjoy your vacations. :)


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