I am lost.

Status quo and change.

A phrase that, to me, doesn't really mean anything.

If there's anything substantial I've learned in one of my courses in the past (ugh, actually, last term lang) is that I'm more of an indirect person when it comes to uncertainty reduction. And the thing is, I'm actually taking it all further: that I'm actually trying; trying so hard to understand a person--a person I barely even know.

Oh my, I should've heeded my own self's advice a while back. "Never, ever even dare falling for a person you hardly know." It has happened a lot of times already. But alas, like an inane wolf, I kept on coming back, doing the very same things, committing the very same mistakes I should not have in the first place. :'(

But the thing is, I not only find her intriguing, but I find her easy to fall for as well. Beneath that haughty demeanor, beneath the smiles; beneath the smile she puts on everyday--there is somebody I want to know, love and care for. Somebody I'll catch, listen to, and comfort without batting an eyelid. But alas; it may not happen, perhaps ever. She obviously cares for somebody else--and there's nothing I could do about that. Circumstance brought him to her; brought her to my attention. At the wrong time, when I'm trying to put a life together. :(

My first impressions of her were nothing short of breath taking. Interest in the very things I tend to dabble on, someone who is mature, fun-loving, passionate about the things she cares about... sigh. Really, it is not hard to find endearing things about her. This list could go on forever, if we'd only known each other at a different time and place.

Ah, time. Why is it that I, despite how I usually think of myself, can fall prey to this? Why? (Don't answer that.) Why did I fall for her that quickly, without ever being logical or even rational? Is it because the heart has, and will always be stronger than the mind?

I am afraid. I am afraid to let somebody as precious and unique as her go, without me ever trying. She'll be leaving the University's halls this year, while I get to stay on for a year more. I don't want to let this one be ended with words like at a later time and at a later place. No. If I am to do anything, I might as well do it. I've been through this before, and every time, there have always been regrets and the thought of what might have been. No. Not this time.

Is this closure? Not quite--yet. But it may be... :'(