quaint little rutted bucket

Friday, February 17, 2006

Coming full circle

And it has come to pass. Another whirlwind journey through some of the strangest things I've ever been through in my 20-ish years of existence. And I've learned lots.

I won't call it a mistake, but I wouldn't call it something that was entirely worthwhile either. I am not bitter, although I'm a liar to say that there are no negative things to be said and felt. I've made both bright and dull decisions, but I did more of the latter. :) But nonetheless, I still have myself, and I still believe that I am indeed destined for better things. No, not of the grandiose kind, but something far humbler and down-to-earth. Something that is both meaningful and meek.

I really don't care about the argument whether I wasted money or whatever. I saved and earned it, anyway, and for my part, I found contentment in what I did. Selfish, but heck, who cares. It's all about me this time and nothing, no one, else. I don't care if she liked them or at least appreciated them at all or not; I badly wanted to give her those since this began, and the cost of such a beautiful bouquet of flowers is a non issue anymore. Sensible ones out there must be seething and wanting to bash me badly back to sanity, but I assure you, I'm still sane... I think. If that's the way for me to forget all these, pick up after myself, "charge it to experience" and move on, then so be it. It will be a hefty charge, yes, but then again, I really don't care anymore.

I'll be looking into starting teaching at a local tutor/learning center, to at least try to prop up my savings once again and continue distracting myself. Haha. I so want to teach kids. I find their innate curiousity motivating, and the thought of imparting something very valuable to them is definitely inspiring.

I'll also set an appointment with my counselor to try to resolve whatever issues I still have. Going to the chapel and hearing mass often is calming and enlightening, but I still need to pour these onto somebody. Seeing that my bestbud also has problems of his own, I doubt he could be of much help this time... sigh. :( So I'll be dropping by Sir Joey's one of these days. Sometimes, I can't help but feel *so* lonely and worthless.

One thing I'm worried about, though, is what this means for the future. Before her, I already found myself not easily attracted to women. It seems that the more people I like, the more my standards grow. Sigh. Anyway.

But I'm glad that its over. Yes. Let's so now go back to reality, back to where she was. Back to where I left her. (Shit ralph, can't you use names? I'm getting freaking confused over the 'hers.' -- No. :P )

(Note to self: Let's try writing more cohesively next time.)