quaint little rutted bucket

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

And poof. Gone.

We had our last FORMDEV General Assembly this term at Gox, and I came in late (was blogging at the lab nearby). It felt weird that half the room was populated with people I don't know, and to me, I saw it as a sign of the changes up in the air...

Doc seemed a bit more assertive now, and I felt guilty at some of the things he said, like not being able to attend the GAs and the last workshop. While I attend Bible study sessions outside of school (I have to, since I think i have to continue on with this lector/commentator thingy), with Doc's tone earlier, I felt as if he was singling me out. :|

But the meeting took a better tone later, and it was then and there I realized that this will likely be
the last FORMDEV Faci GA i'll ever be able to atttend. :( When the thought of that came into my mind more clearly as I was walking along SJ on my way to the amphitheater, I felt like crying.


FORMDEV has been very good to me. It started during the first term of my third year of stay in school, and I was glad to have joined it. We trained during Ubreaks, reading through Bro. Luke Salm, FSC's excellently thorough biography of the founder, St. John Baptist de La Salle. It was there I learned much about not only the Founder, but the De La Salle mission here in the country, as well as what is the essence of being a true Lasallian.

In all, I was able to handle three FORMDEV groups, ranging from the incredibly hard-headed to the downright fun and meaningful. I saw in these younger college students a chance to correct the mistakes I have made in my own life, and indirectly, inspire them to make better decisions. I developed a deeper, more intimate relationship with God, which was deepened by my commitment to my local parish as a lector/commentator.

The biggest thing, though, was when I helped Doc organized the Saturday Day Care for this school year in Singalong. For the rest of interviews, we went into these different houses, around twenty plus in all, and there
I saw, experienced and heard first hand the pains of poverty. It was even worse than all the past outreach and immersion experiences I had in the past combined. Haaay, I know now; if ever I am to seek a SO, she would have to share the passion I have in helping the less fortunate. Hehe. :)


Like all goood things, FORMDEV was poised to end in one way or another. I guess what I did not prepare for was the subtle way it was to present its end, and that really left me in shock. I know it can't go on forever, as I have to move onto other things too, but the challenge is
for me to finally 'transcend' and realize what it means to be a true Lasallian in something bigger.

I know that I have to find myself, and become a person for others in my life. And so begins another journey; to become an instrument for God's works. For Doc, my fellow facis, and all the Brothers, especially Bro. Ceci, who have inspired me in one way or another, this one's for you. :)

[cue Switchfoot's "This Is Your Life"]

The wisdom of John Mayer

I wish there was an over-the-counter test
For loneliness...
For loneliness like this

--some crazy line I find profound from Mayer's "Something's Missing"

I find much meaning in John Mayer's old song, "Something's Missing", from that album 'Heavier Things', maybe because it is something that reminds me of the situation I find myself in.

I'm a slightly neurotic, loneliness-denying bastard who's losing respect for myself. I feel so bad about it, I can't even admit to the fact that I'm growing increasingly enamored about a certain person, yet trying all I can to stay rational while thoughts of her run through my head. It's mad, it's crazy, and its happening to me.

How come everything I think I need
Always comes with batteries?
Why, what do you think it means?

--another crazy line I find much meaning in

I want to do something, yet the fear of rejection and failure is there. I think of it too much that I lose track of what is practical and real. And the best thing about it all, is that I don't even have a clue as to what to do. I can easily tell people what to do when they seek my advice, yet when it comes to fixing my own life, I fall miserably short of the things I would've expected from myself.

Shit. I feel like an abject failure.

I feel so gawd-awful bad today, that I sometimes wish I were just a rock that feels no emotions, no sadness, no longing at all. But the reality is that, I'm here, and starting to have feelings for somebody, yet doing all I can to make sense of it and go through it in a rational manner.

Truth is, I feel that rationalizing, or rather, looking for logic in all this is turning out to be a pointless affair. I need not look far; my experience with [bleep] taught me that.

I could just let go and let myself be run by my emotions. But that would be madness.

Darn, I need help. :`(

Friday, November 03, 2006

My Personality

Openness To Experience

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Thursday, November 02, 2006

Lyrics: Something's Missing
John Mayer
Heavier Things (2003)

I'm not alone, I wish I was.
Cause then I'd know, I was down because
I couldn't find, a friend around
To love me like, they do right now.
They do right now.

I'm dizzy from the shopping malls
I searched for joy, but I bought it all
It doesn't help the hunger pains
and a thirst I'd have to drown first to ever satiate

Something's missing
And I don't know how to fix it
something's missing
And I don't know what it is
At all

When autumn comes, it doesnt ask.
It just walks in, where it left you last.
And you never know, when it starts
Until there's fog inside the glass around your summer heart:

Something's missing
And I don't know how to fix it
something's missing
And I don't know what it is
At all

I can't be sure that this state of mind, is not of my own design
I wish there was an over the counter test, for loneliness.
For loneliness like this.

Something's missing
And I don't know how to fix it
Something's missing
And I don't know what it is
No I don't know what it is
Something's different
And i don't know what it is
No I don't know what it is

Friends -check- Money -check-
A well slept -check- Opposite sex -check- Guitar -check- Microphone -check- Messages waiting for me, when i come home

How come everything I think I need, always comes with batteries
What do you think it means

How come everything I think I need, always comes with batteries
What do you think it means

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

I'm blogging again! :)

Sigh. After a longish hiatus, I finally decided to log back in, sail and quibble with the mighty open seas of the blogosphere once again. (Waitaminute, that didn't come out quite right.)

Anyway, let's see.

Oh yes.

First topic: Taking these new things in stride and in style (Or in other words, treading this one carefully yet fashionably ;)

Oh ho ho, ralphie, here we go again, descending upon a path that I've got quite familiar with now. There's that nasty, creeping feeling... filled with confusion, delusion, frustration, fear, and euphoria. A sudden rush of longing here, confusion there, and hoping somewhere here. Its crazy.

Actually, not that crazy, but then again, crazy is a word that is perhaps the only thing that describes falling for someone quite definitively.

I don't know what to think of anymore. My experience taught me to be even more careful than ever, yet I must avoid doing nothing entirely. Sigh. Shoot, thats one hard balance to achieve. And given the very limited time I am left with to make a decision, the pressure continues to mount.

I don't know. Help me make sense of all these. I feel so helpless, confused, vulnerable. Oh shoot. Why, oh why, do I... people... have to endure this?

No, please. I know I hardly stand a chance. And yet, if I don't do anything, I'd be left wondering, 'what if.'

I'm reading three past blogs from a year ago now, and listening to familiar music from that time, and they sound scarily familiar. Help. :`( sob.