quaint little rutted bucket

Friday, July 20, 2007

Oh, the weirdness.

I don’t know what to do.

I’m in the middle of this. Again.

[lets out a tired sigh.]

I never thought I'd fall for her. But fall for her I did: I miss her, I want to spend time with her, I want to get to know her better. I desire to care for her; to make her feel loved and cherished. To let her know I admire her in her entirety, quirks and all. To let her know that she has inspired me to do things I wouldn’t have expected of myself.

It saddens me that I got to know her this way only now—now that my stay in this university as an undergrad is down to a couple of weeks. And that I could’ve known her better, to have taken more risks in gradually letting myself go and falling for her completely.

It doesn’t help that I’m currently working on my practicum teaching, far from her, and with less opportunities to see her. I long to listen to her. I long to hear her talk about anything and everything. To catch glimpses of her unguarded.

With the last one, I wasn’t really, entirely sure. I kept on comparing ******** to other people, wondering what if she became different or had something else to her compared to what she really is. In the end, I realized that I wasn’t able to accept her completely, which gave rise to the doubts that ran across my head whenever I think about her.

And now, this.

Someone asked me if I was thinking of someone else a few weeks ago. I was never completely honest that time—but now, yes, there is. I was afraid at that time. I wanted to resolve it first, but instead, I resorted to lying about it, just to save my scared ass.

The similarities that they share don’t help. Recently, whenever some people ask me of ********, I immediately think of this one, because of that specific similarity they share.

Oh, this is so surreal.