Oh, the weirdness.

I don’t know what to do.

I’m in the middle of this. Again.

[lets out a tired sigh.]

I never thought I'd fall for her. But fall for her I did: I miss her, I want to spend time with her, I want to get to know her better. I desire to care for her; to make her feel loved and cherished. To let her know I admire her in her entirety, quirks and all. To let her know that she has inspired me to do things I wouldn’t have expected of myself.

It saddens me that I got to know her this way only now—now that my stay in this university as an undergrad is down to a couple of weeks. And that I could’ve known her better, to have taken more risks in gradually letting myself go and falling for her completely.

It doesn’t help that I’m currently working on my practicum teaching, far from her, and with less opportunities to see her. I long to listen to her. I long to hear her talk about anything and everything. To catch glimpses of her unguarded.

With the last one, I wasn’t really, entirely sure. I kept on comparing ******** to other people, wondering what if she became different or had something else to her compared to what she really is. In the end, I realized that I wasn’t able to accept her completely, which gave rise to the doubts that ran across my head whenever I think about her.

And now, this.

Someone asked me if I was thinking of someone else a few weeks ago. I was never completely honest that time—but now, yes, there is. I was afraid at that time. I wanted to resolve it first, but instead, I resorted to lying about it, just to save my scared ass.

The similarities that they share don’t help. Recently, whenever some people ask me of ********, I immediately think of this one, because of that specific similarity they share.

Oh, this is so surreal.

tired. confused. numb.

As I write this, I'm still a long ways off from finishing all my outstanding requirements for this term. Ballot counting was done last Friday, and I'm just glad that the bulk of my work as a commish is over. For now.

[lets out a tired sigh]

I don't know what came over me when I tried to juggle practicum, COMELEC, thesis, museum, a one-man editing stint with the college newsletter and my studies all at the same time. As I've come to realize, I don't have superhuman powers. I was essentially killing myself with everything I've attempted to do this term, and it really wasn't wise, as I ended up neglecting virtually everything. It was so silly and foolish of me.

---

I don't like working and finishing things half-baked. For me, leaving things and submitting less than superior things is usually a "last resort" act, done out of desperation. My working style is more cramming than planning, buy my brilliance juices only flow when pressure abounds. But this term... haaay. I compromised on everything. My practicum was less than what I had thought it would be, I think my contribution to my group's thesis was bleh, I wasn't really around when the logistical stuff for comelec was being worked on, my museum residency hours were fewer, I'm neglecting both my last pair of English majors courses, and worse of all, I've been missing out on my friends. Its depressing. :(

Sure, i can still churn out respectable things, but gee do they take time. I don't really feel ashamed anymore of submitting things late , if only to make sure they are up to my standards. Syet, pakapalan na ng mukha 'to.

For some, grades are enough of an affirmation to make a student high. But not me. I'm grown past that way too long ago. Grades, for me, are just numbers that can never definitively tell everything about a person. It's just way too overrated, so I tend to not really care about it. It sounds pompous, yes, but meh. Don't care.

I haven't been doing any of the usual philanthropic things too, beyond the GK thing we had from practicum. I wasn't serving as FORMDEV faci, nor was I serving at my (former) parish. [another sigh.] Come to think of it, I'm not doing the things that help keep me sane and have a sense of respect for myself.

This isn't me.

---

You know its worse when you don't really have an idea as to what you're feeling already. I feel numb. I'm afraid that I have lost touch of what it feels like to be in love, to be genuinely happy, to be sad, to be angry. I feel sapped of whatever it is that makes me human. I feel too tired to even try to recall how those things feel like.

I still have the basics covered, especially when dealing with other people, but beyond that, there's something missing. Haaay. I don't know. Maybe I'm just pushing myself too hard.

These days, I joke around that I'm in a semi-defective state. But there's a lot of truth in that statement. I feel incomplete, empty and unfulfilled. This presents me yet another conundrum: How can I even try to care for someone special, let alone let her know that, when I'm such in a freaking helpless state?

I have to pull myself together. I know i'm nearly running on empty, but its not over yet. Its not yet too late. I can still do something.

And now, for some random thingy I got raiding reading other people's blogs...

Read My Result
Take the Test

And it goes on...

Sigh. I can't take this anymore. I feel burned-out already. I haven't felt like this since... well, since my CS days, and I'm not getting younger. The thought of thesis and practicum, plus a pair of majors courses is taking its toll on me. :(

And there's her. Oh my. I absolutely adore her. I love the way her hair flows oh-so gracefully and naturally over her shoulders and back, how she would hum and sing at times, how a gentle breeze would let me catch a whiff of her scent. How lovely she looks in white. Of course, she does the 'retreating' thing that is almost common to all HSPs (highly sensitive persons--overwhelmingly introvert-leaning people) and it is indeed a lovely, if also strange thing to behold.

I still couldn't hold a fairly normal conversation with her. I guess its kinda my fault, too, since I never really mingled with her even before. :( But even then, I still find her very interesting.

I know that I'm ready to do things for her, to sacrifice some. Oh golly gee, does that mean I already have "feelings" for her? Shoot, I don't know. I wish I knew.

Am I willing to tell her how I feel about her? No. Its a very big risk, and I'm not about ready to risk everything, including my studies all over again.

Sigh. Sob. Will I have to be content admiring her from afar? Day by day, that seems more of a 'yes'... :`(

for the kids 2007

I honestly don't know what happened to the yellow info form I submitted with the CAE as I never made it to the final list. To be honest, my paranoia-meter spiked, as I initially thought they excluded me out as I was comelec (and thus, "should stay at a comfortable distance".) Crazy, yeah. But can't be helped.

Anyways, though, I still ended up with CAE people last sunday. COSCA's Leah assigned me to take the place of a friend who backed out, which as it turned out, had an adorable kid assigned to her, if only she were able/permitted to come.

The kid's name assigned to my care was Ryan, and by all accounts, he was weird. If I thought I was weird, somebody check that kid out. He's obedient and disciplined, but by golly, he sure had his own world. If anything, he scarily represented what was on the opposite side of the very thin line that divided genius and mental affliction. He was very shy and somewhat moody, preferring instead to stay alone or in small one-on-one groups than mingle with the other kids. Ryan also loved eating, seeing how many snacks he was able to cram into that little backpack of his. (Even then, I gave him cookies, seeing how much he seemed to like eating. :)

He was 10, and his moral development could attest to that. He was surprisingly very responsible, walking around 10 meters or so to the nearest trash can just to throw the snack and candy wrappers from the food he ate. (A lot of older and "more mature" Lasallians could learn from him. :P He was largely independent, and even more unlike other kids in FTK, he didn't get lost even when he was out of my sight.

The only thing that betrayed his condition (mental retardation, accdg to his profile) was his apparent shyness and low self-esteem. He took considerable time to open up, and I had to do much of the work in getting to know him. That was a challenge considering that I can get pretty clammed-up myself, but I figured that its a special day for this child, so I might as well help him make the most of it, if only to make me feel fulfilled as well.

This is my third time to join FTK, and it has always been a draining, but ultimately, fulfilling experience. There's a sense of calm and "i'm-happy-golly-gee" disposition at the end of every FTK day. Even the COSCA volunteers I knew remained very happy, and me and my friends felt largely the same too.

I feel sad though, as this was the last time I join FTK as an undergrad. Of course, I can always join, even when I'm already finished with my degree, but as of now, it only serves as a reminder that my stay in La Salle is in its twilight...

My plan of action on her, ********

That's it. I'm not doing anything until next term.

I'm doing the final push next term. I'm going to get to know her, be with her, and see if there's anything--if she will be worth my while, my feelings, my time, and my money.

If yes, well, then go. I'm going to let myself fall for her entirely. :)

If not, well, I'll be on my way then. The world is big anyways. I've got lots of people to meet, things to do, places to visit, flowers to smell, pictures to take, music to listen and dance to, and feelings to experience.

Of course, I have to seek God's guidance in this. So I'll be praying for her, myself, and virtually everyone she and I care about in our own lives.

Its not too late yet, Ralph.

---

I'm listening to Switchfoot right now, and I feel a special presence and high.

Oh, I'm at least 250 pages into Kostova's "The Historian" (after starting it just yesterday haha) and its a nice, suspenseful book. Character and plot development was a bit slow during the first ten or so chapters, but it has tremendously picked up, and all the main characters have depth. I just had to leave it somewhere in the house so that I can let it leave my hands and let myself do something more productive than leisurely reading. Haha.

Have to log off for now, still have to do papers and essays. :)

And poof. Gone.

We had our last FORMDEV General Assembly this term at Gox, and I came in late (was blogging at the lab nearby). It felt weird that half the room was populated with people I don't know, and to me, I saw it as a sign of the changes up in the air...

Doc seemed a bit more assertive now, and I felt guilty at some of the things he said, like not being able to attend the GAs and the last workshop. While I attend Bible study sessions outside of school (I have to, since I think i have to continue on with this lector/commentator thingy), with Doc's tone earlier, I felt as if he was singling me out. :|

But the meeting took a better tone later, and it was then and there I realized that this will likely be the last FORMDEV Faci GA i'll ever be able to atttend. :( When the thought of that came into my mind more clearly as I was walking along SJ on my way to the amphitheater, I felt like crying.

------------------------

FORMDEV has been very good to me. It started during the first term of my third year of stay in school, and I was glad to have joined it. We trained during Ubreaks, reading through Bro. Luke Salm, FSC's excellently thorough biography of the founder, St. John Baptist de La Salle. It was there I learned much about not only the Founder, but the De La Salle mission here in the country, as well as what is the essence of being a true Lasallian.

In all, I was able to handle three FORMDEV groups, ranging from the incredibly hard-headed to the downright fun and meaningful. I saw in these younger college students a chance to correct the mistakes I have made in my own life, and indirectly, inspire them to make better decisions. I developed a deeper, more intimate relationship with God, which was deepened by my commitment to my local parish as a lector/commentator.

The biggest thing, though, was when I helped Doc organized the Saturday Day Care for this school year in Singalong. For the rest of interviews, we went into these different houses, around twenty plus in all, and there I saw, experienced and heard first hand the pains of poverty. It was even worse than all the past outreach and immersion experiences I had in the past combined. Haaay, I know now; if ever I am to seek a SO, she would have to share the passion I have in helping the less fortunate. Hehe. :)

------------------------

Like all goood things, FORMDEV was poised to end in one way or another. I guess what I did not prepare for was the subtle way it was to present its end, and that really left me in shock. I know it can't go on forever, as I have to move onto other things too, but the challenge is for me to finally 'transcend' and realize what it means to be a true Lasallian in something bigger.

I know that I have to find myself, and become a person for others in my life. And so begins another journey; to become an instrument for God's works. For Doc, my fellow facis, and all the Brothers, especially Bro. Ceci, who have inspired me in one way or another, this one's for you. :)

[cue Switchfoot's "This Is Your Life"]

The wisdom of John Mayer

I wish there was an over-the-counter test
For loneliness...
For loneliness like this

--some crazy line I find profound from Mayer's "Something's Missing"

I find much meaning in John Mayer's old song, "Something's Missing", from that album 'Heavier Things', maybe because it is something that reminds me of the situation I find myself in.

I'm a slightly neurotic, loneliness-denying bastard who's losing respect for myself. I feel so bad about it, I can't even admit to the fact that I'm growing increasingly enamored about a certain person, yet trying all I can to stay rational while thoughts of her run through my head. It's mad, it's crazy, and its happening to me.

How come everything I think I need
Always comes with batteries?
Why, what do you think it means?

--another crazy line I find much meaning in

I want to do something, yet the fear of rejection and failure is there. I think of it too much that I lose track of what is practical and real. And the best thing about it all, is that I don't even have a clue as to what to do. I can easily tell people what to do when they seek my advice, yet when it comes to fixing my own life, I fall miserably short of the things I would've expected from myself.

Shit. I feel like an abject failure.

I feel so gawd-awful bad today, that I sometimes wish I were just a rock that feels no emotions, no sadness, no longing at all. But the reality is that, I'm here, and starting to have feelings for somebody, yet doing all I can to make sense of it and go through it in a rational manner.

Truth is, I feel that rationalizing, or rather, looking for logic in all this is turning out to be a pointless affair. I need not look far; my experience with [bleep] taught me that.

I could just let go and let myself be run by my emotions. But that would be madness.

Darn, I need help. :`(